I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
