I'm jealous of your bromance
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
