I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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