That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
