I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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