i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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