theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
