I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
