im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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