I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm both gender and math confused
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
