Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
