I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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