the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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