god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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