so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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