she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
bring money and cleavage
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
