I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize