Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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