At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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