the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish you could order shots online.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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