If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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