if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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