Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
