It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
