he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
