If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
