If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
