My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
