Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
