you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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