All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
