youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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