theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
