i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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