By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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