You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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