White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
