come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
