I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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