Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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