Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
