Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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