I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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