the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
