Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
