I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
