my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
