The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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