Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
