there's paper in my vomit.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
