It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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