brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
