Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
