hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
