How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
