I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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