Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
