please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
