my phone needs a breathalizer
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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