I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
