he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
