i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
