Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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