You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize