I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
